While that shouldn't necessarily be a huge accomplishment less than six months in (though for some people, maybe it is!), I am acutely aware of how quickly a relationship can go sour.
And I intend to avoid that this time around.
I have only been in two other serious relationships, neither of which were particularly healthy, each for its own reasons (that's a post for another day). From both of these experiences, I learned a series of lessons, painful yet worthwhile, about my strengths and weaknesses in relationship, as well as my strengths and weaknesses individually.
I also learned what I absolutely require in a relationship, and what I will and will not accept moving forward. I set standards, I set intentions, and without even looking I stumbled into the most wonderful love story, one that I never thought possible.
It's okay, go ahead and vomit. I'll wait...
You good now?
Okay cool, I'll proceed.
Yes, Hubs and I are disgustingly, nauseatingly happy. It's gross. We're sappy and affectionate. We laugh constantly. We send each other cheesy texts, flirt incessantly, and engage in obnoxious PDA. Our pun game is off the charts. We're thoughtful with one another, going out of our way for each other in order to show how much we care. We tell each other how we feel daily. We are, in short, intentional with each other.
And that's the topic of this post.
Being intentional with your partner.
Many relationships (though not all) follow a similar trajectory: In the beginning, it's fun and exciting. You are purposeful with your time together. You go on dates. You have plentiful one-on-one time full of laughter, conversation, and bonding. You crave your time together, and it seems like electricity is in the air constantly.
Then as time goes on and commitment deepens, the initial heat begins to fade as you sink into the comfort and minutiae of everyday living. Real life takes precedence over romance. Running errands often becomes a substitute for date night. Flirting gets replaced with debates over whose turn it is to pick up toilet paper or grab takeout on the way home from work.
Eventually, that real life minutiae takes over and you start to take each other for granted. You both settle into the comfort, into the assumption that your partner just is, just will be; that they will be there, that they will do this thing or that thing, that the status quo will continue no questions asked. This mentality opens you up to the risk of drifting apart, living separate lives, and losing the very thing that brought you together in the first place: the intentional fire you had for one another.
Sadly, this seems to be a socially accepted trend. The "end of the honeymoon phase" we've all heard about. Some couples go on existing in this place, content in the mundane comfort. Others find this a miserable existence and the relationship ultimately ends.
Controversial opinion: The end of the honeymoon phase is crap!
Why does the so-called honeymoon stage have to die out? Why is a relationship becoming stale and stagnant an accepted thing? That, to me, is utter garbage.
It really is as simple as this: If you're not growing, you're dying.
That's just a universal fact of life.
If you're not flourishing, you're withering.
Look at trees. Or flowers. Or the human life cycle. It all follows the same pattern.
The growth stage, followed by the decay stage.
I do not accept that relationships have to be on this same path toward inevitable decay, and I'll take a gander that you don't like it either. Hence the purpose of seeking intention within your relationship.
Pursue your partner with the same love, the same passion, the same interest that you did when you were first together. Court your spouse. Date your spouse. Continue to place value on your relationship even when you're roaming through Costco or taking the garbage out or running through the other 8,000,000,000,000 responsibilities of your daily round.
Yes, the day-to-day stuff has to happen, that's called being an adult. But there's no reason why your relationship has to suffer because of it.
I don't know about you, but I don't want mundane. I want extraordinary. Thankfully, so does Hubs.
So we have made it a priority to be intentional with each other, in order to keep our nauseating, diabetic-coma-inducing love story alive.
"But Sarah, how do you do this with 1,000 kids and full-time jobs and busy, hectic, tiresome days full of adulting?"
Well I thought you'd never ask!
With daily, consistent, intentional effort.
Another controversial opinion coming at ya: If you let the honeymoon phase die, it's because you are lazy in your relationship.
There, I said it.
If the honeymoon phase dies, it means you quit pursuing your partner. You quit prioritizing your relationship. You allowed mundane complacency to take over. You got too comfortable. And that's entirely on you.
Only you get to decide how much effort to give your partner, whether that's 100% or 15.7%.
(And if you are hovering around the 15.7% mark? You're essentially just roommates. And barely even that.)
I have been lazy in a relationship, and I have accepted laziness in a relationship, and I vowed to never do either again. And yes, sometimes life kicks your ass and you temporarily lapse in how much effort and intention you are giving your partner; that happens. And it's important to allow each other space to be human. But it is equally important to come back to center as quickly as possible, before you drift for good.
I am lucky to have found a man as committed to this as I am.
I am married to a man who is as thoughtful, as loving, and as intentional in pursuing me now as he was on our first date. And I am as crazy about him, as enamored by him, and as appreciative of my time with him now as I was in the very beginning as well.
My husband is really and truly my best friend. We tell each other everything, good and bad. We support each other's endeavors, goals, and dreams. We call out each other's bullshit (with love, of course). We are partners in life and have an absolute blast doing it, even on the shitty days when everything goes wrong and life just fucking sucks; yes, even then we've got each other's backs. We lift each other up, and we root each other on.
I'm literally living a Hallmark card 80's power ballad sappy romcom kind of life.
And here's how...
Hubs and I go on weekly dates, sometimes to a fancy restaurant, sometimes to MOD pizza. We go on monthly adventures, from weekends in fancy artsy hotels, to hikes, to concerts, to random Airbnb's in a neighboring county where we explore a new town for a few days. We go away on trips as often as our schedule (and responsible financial management) allow, whether across the state, across the country, or out of the country altogether. We regularly plan time together without kids, without stress, and without distractions in order to reconnect.
And our in-between time (you know, the time spent actually adulting), we slow-dance in the kitchen while I'm cooking whatever latest meal I found on Pinterest. We snuggle on the couch and watch a comedy special or a documentary or a movie. We snuggle in bed at the end of each day and talk about whatever is on our minds. We go on walks on the trail by our house as frequently as possible (and as frequently as I'm willing to tolerate walking in the stupid winter rain, let's be honest). We are purposeful with one another, intentional with how we express our love, and consistent with making each other our priority.
Because life is hard enough as it is. But it's utterly miserable if your relationship sucks.
There's no place for mundane. I expect extraordinary.
And I hope you do too.
Yes!!!
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